I haven't been myself lately and I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. Really, it could have been work, Lord knows I have my hands full with that, it could be the lost pregnancy, nah, didn't feel the same way. I did begin to think about how I feel like I have neglected my son a bit. That is the first tour, I was sending packages left and right, I was extremely active in the Blue Star Mothers and I couldn't wait for that next phone call from him. This time, I have given items to my roommate so he could send them out. In fact, he's been sending so much stuff out, you'd think it was his son.
Side note: it's not my roommates kid. I didn't know him 23 years ago.
Anyway, I still do look forward to his phone calls, but I'm not on MySpace as much. Then it hit me, I'm avoiding thinking too much about him. I had other mothers who wanted to keep in touch with me and I wanted to but then I found myself not wanting to only because it would make me face reality that my only son is back in Iraq in harms way. I didn't and still don't really want to think about it. I love him dearly and wish he was home safe. Then it really hit me, I'm really missing my son. This tour is going to be 15 months long. I still have many months left before he can come home. I just miss him so much. 15 months is a long time, especially when he no longer lives in the same state as you do. I miss his laugh, his sense of humor, his goofiness, and just him. I have found that my mind will wander to the not so pleasant side of "what ifs" and I try not to think of it. I miss holding him, giving him hugs and kisses and his face. I love the fact that his as grown up so much, but miss that I'm not able to watch him. I only get to visit his web site page and imagine what's going on. I do enjoy reading some of the posts from his friends. I feel a little bit closer to him. Every so often I'll get a friend request from one of his friends. But all in all, I'm just trying to survive each day without him.
Army Mom Out
