Keep good thoughts

As deployment draws near I find my thoughts drifting to where it shouldn't be. Not to long ago, a fellow Blue Star Mother became a Gold Star Mother. Not a position anyone wants. As a Blue Star Mother, you are a member of a national organization that supports the troops and each other as we all have children in the military. As a Gold Star Mother, you are a member of a national organization that has a child in the military that gave his or her life for this country. This mother was saying how much she appreciated all the support she has received. She buried her son the other day. I can only imagine the pain and utter dispair she must feel, as I would be completely lost.

The other morning I could hear the local clubhouse hosting the annual Championship Swimmeet. I too once had participated in, many years ago and so did my son. I could hear the announcer, the starting gun, the "swimmers up, take your marks, bang" and it brought back memories. Memories of me as a child, memories of my son in similar situations and present day. He's not my little baby anymore. He's a grown man. lol He's still my baby. I still remember changing his diapers, soothing a skinned knee, comforting his tears and picking him up from the hospital after he wiped out going down a steep hill on rollerblades. I remember him telling me with tears streamming down his face, "I love you mom" and "this is weird, this may be the last time I see you again" as I said goodbye to him as he boarded the plane back to base to deploy, the first time.

From the time my son was born I have always taken the stand, that no matter what, how old or young you are, it is the mother's responsibility to protect and take care of her children. Not saying that the husband isn't but when a mother carries a child, gives birth and raises, it's her duty to protect and care for her young. That's why you always hear, don't stand between a mother and her young in the animal world, mothers will kill to protect their young. Well the same goes for the human species. So just because the child is now considered a legal adult (and it doesn't matter if he or she is 40) that maternal instinct does not go away. Now I'm not the type of mom who mothers her child, but if he needs me I'm there. If I feel this is something he should handle as a man, I tell him so. I also feel it's my job to raise him to be a productive member of society and to be able to stand on his own two feet. I'll help him out if I can, but even birds push the young out of the nest to teach them to fly on their own.

I joined a group called the Patriot Guard Riders. If you have never heard of this group, it's a group of motorcycle riders, however, anyone can join, that support fallen soldiers and shield the families from protesters that do not have the families in their best interest. I have a motorcycle but have not attended any funerals, too close to home. They do make other appearances not funeral related but I have passed on attending. I can barely stand to hear of troops dying and don't think I could handle going to a funeral and seeing the family without thinking of my son.

I think my son and I have had a typical relationship growing up. When my son was a tot, I was everything to him. As he became a teen, I was merely an atm machine and a source of embarrassment to him. As he enlisted, I became a source of information and support. We are very close and we have been through hell and highwater together. I love him dearly and miss him. I just have to remember to think positive. No bad thoughts, no thinking about his funeral and the notification or even what would I do if I got a call he got injured. I have to remember to think positive. Damn, he hasn't even left yet and I'm already having these thoughts. I'm proud of my soldier, but I'm scared too.